and Lak Attack combined for some of Sunday Morning Road Hockey's
most exciting offense, and its prettiest goals.
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Offensive speedsters overwhelm opponents
by Jay Suburb
Like a cushion bobbing in the waves of an approaching
hurricane, Ottoman knew he'd eventually be in for a rough ride.
When the ceremonial stick pull before Sunday's game put
two of the game's most dominant offensive talents,the Kid and Lak Attack,
on the same side, it was a goalie's worst nightmare realized.
"The Kid and Lak are two of the best scorers out
here," says the rookie rearguard of his formidable foes. "You
put them together, and it's deadly."
Playing on a line with notorious gameshow host gone bad,
Wink, the two speedsters ran circles around the flat-footed defense
of their opponents, dishing passes to each other at will, driving to
the open court, feeding the evil orange plastic ball back to the point
with aplomb. With Lak Attack quarterbacking the plays, and Wink the
set-up man, the Kid scored 11 times, and the line combined for all but
one of their team's goals in a 20-16 victory.
"It was sweet, tic-tac-toeing with the ball,"
says Lak Attack, barely breaking a sweat. "We had a lot of speed,
and everyone was able to read the plays. We knew each other's style
quite well, and we were able to kinda play off that."
"All I had to do was pass it, just try to throw the
ball into the openings," says Wink. "I think it was terribly
exciting. Sometimes you just had to get out of the way and watch."
Unfortunately for the overwhelmed Ottoman, too often it
was his own teammates doing the watching.
"It was very, very tough," says the Colonel,
of his side's futile attempts to stem the offensive tide. "They
had a lot of chemistry, so it was tough to play against them."
"Those guys were able to come at you from all sides,"
says the Living Legend. "They had a lot of speed and going against
a couple of slow guys, like Giebelhaus and myself, all you can really
do is stand out there and act like a pylon, try and knock them off their
stride a little."
And that speed advantage wasn't lost on the snipers, says
their linemate, Wink.
"Not only did we have two speedy guys, but we also
the Living Legend checking us, so that made the speedy guys faster and
"We were able to do pretty much what we wanted,"
says Lak Attack. "We had control of the game, and when you've got
control of the game, it's yours to win."
But as Ottoman wiped his brow after his first game in
three weeks, he wasn't imparting blame.
"The guys were trying to cover them pretty hard,"
he says of his overmatched mates, "but they were moving around
a lot, and they were getting some seeing-eye passes that went through
no matter what."
Lak Attack's offensive contribution Sunday was all the more remarkable
considering he started the game in net when Lobsterboy was an unexpected
scratch after earlier indicating he might be available.
But the assignment was only temporary, as a new recruit, Pig Farming Goalie,
was en route from the hinterland.
A late call-up by fellow rookies, Billy Idol and Sideburns, the Latvian
of last resort cleared immigration just in time to bring a steadfast defensive
presence while the offensive stars wheeled and whirled at the other end
of the courts.
"The bald fellow runs very fast and scores many goals,"
said the newfound netminder after recording his first win of his Sunday
Morning career. "It was a good team."
And his mates appreciated his contribution.
"Anytime you've got a pig farmer on your team, you know the chemistry
is going to be good," said Wink.
"I thought he might be a good goalie," said the Colonel of his
netminding nemesis, "but he was great today."
The arrival of Pig Farming Goalie could finally create some much-needed
competition for road hockey's most difficult position when Lobsterboy
makes his expected return, in a few weeks, and if Turk ever returns to
"Lobsterboy can't carry the pig farmer's accent, he can't talk like
the pig farmer, he can't make stops like the pig farmer, and he certainly
can't slop pigs like the pig farmer," said Wink, of the missing minder.
"He was a bit of an unknown factor," said the Living Legend
of the rookie rearguard. "I think he's adjusting to the game, to
the new country and to the new style of play."
And, said the Pig Farming Goalie, he's up to the challenge.
"It is interesting to play on the small surface. There were a few
goals that shouldn't have gone in; I feel much shame."
Besides the two goalies, there were three other rookies on the courts
for Sunday's game, Billy Idol, Sideburns and Beetle Boy. And that created
some unique challenges for the veteran roadsters, said Wink, as they adjusted
to the newcomers.
"I think there's a certain ebb and flow as you try to figure out
who's who," said the fellow founding father.
But the newcomers were welcome additions, as a legion of longtime players
seem to have turned their backs on the game. Besides Lobsterboy, other
veterans who stayed away Sunday included the Hired Gun, Paul One and Hollywood,
while Lumberjack, Gump, Southpark, the Whirling Dervish and Philderama
have to yet to play a game this season.
Sunday's 20-16 final score was a lot closer than it should have been,
said some of the roadsters.
"I thought we were going to blow their doors off," said Wink
of his overmatched opponents.
But they were able to keep the game close with some great stand-up goaltending
by Ottoman, feisty playmaking by the Colonel, some big shots from the
point by the Guy Called Mike, and a handful of garbage goals by the Bird.
"I think we did well to be within four," said the Colonel.
"I thought they played hard," said Wink. "They did a lot
of good things. But we had a much more well-rounded unit."
Sunday's game was played under a light overcast, a marked contrast
to last week's monsoon game. And with a full complement of substitutes
for the winning side, and two spares for the losers, the game moved along
briskly. But the tribulations of last week's soggy showdown weren't far
from the roadsters' thoughts, especially with a large, pungent puddle
still lingering behind the north goal as a reminder.
"I haven't played in the rain yet," said Pig Farming Goalie,
"but I've been warned about it."