Lobsterboy seems calmly confident as he prepares to return to the goalcrease for the first time in almost two months.


Week 10
Back to the boiler

Lobsterboy returns to the crease for the first time in two months

by Jay Suburb

Lobsterboy's return to the goal crease Sunday went as smooth as butter.

Making his first start in goal in almost two months, the veteran shotstopper led his team to a decisive 20-11 victory. He'd lost his position to a pair of netminding neophytes after missing five of the first six weeks of the season to service the onerous demands of his exploitative employer.

With Ottoman away, Lobsterboy seized the opportunity to reclaim his stake as Sunday Morning Road Hockey's premier goalie.

"I think I've told the roadsters I'm the number one goalie again," says Lobsterboy, who's twice won the Conn Stick trophy as the most valuable player in the Stanley Stick tournament. "I think it's solidified my position."

But it wasn't easy.

Going into the game, Lobsterboy says he could feel the pressure. "I heard the guys mumbling, 'Lobster's gonna get it.' I felt I had to win."

And once between the pipes, he found himself looking out at a lot of unfamiliar faces.

"There's so many new guys, I don't know what they're going to do," says Lobsterboy of the rookies who joined the league in his absence. "These guys are faster, their playmaking is really good."

The creaseminding crustacean quickly found his groove, though. He aggressively stormed into the corners to beat charging forwards to the evil orange plastic ball. He smothered every rebound that strayed from his leg pads or bounced off his upper body.

"It pisses them off, but you've got to do it,," says Lobsterboy of his insatiable hunger to control the ball. "If you let the fast guys get to the ball, it creates too many opportunities."

"He's mobile, and he slows the game down a lot because he's always running to the corners to freeze the ball," says the Colonel, of his marauding teammate.

"It's kinda frustrating when he runs to cover the ball everytime," says the Kid, who found his opportunities to freewheel in the offensive zone severely curtailed by Lobsterboy.

"He goes out and does a better job with rebounds than anybody else," says notorious gameshow host gone bad, Wink. "He takes away those rebound garbage goals."

Even a mid-game swoon that allowed his opponents to close the margin to 11-10 couldn't deter Lobsterboy from his single-minded determination to make his comeback successful.

"It elevates the game when you have great goalies on both sides," says Lobsterboy. "The game is back in its glory; it makes it a lot more fun."

Some roadsters felt Lobsterboy's triumphant return was due more to an advantageous stick pull than his own dormant skills.
After the initial stick selection, by Billy Idol, placed most of the game's renowned offensive snipers, Lak Attack, the Colonel and the Kid, on the same side, some roadsters successfully lobbied for another pull
. And while Lak Attack and the Colonel remained teammates, the Kid found himself lined up alongside Guy Called Mike and Bird.
"It was impossible," said the Kid of the defensive assignment before his team. "If we'd tried to play to stop the other team, we never would have got any shots in the offensive zone."
But, said Wink, the second stick draw did succeed in divvying up the talent pool. His side just took advantage.
"We just wanted it more," said Wink. "There were four dominant players out there today, and two of them were on each team. The goaltending was equal, everybody else was equal."

As Lobsterboy reveled in his triumphant return, at the other end of the court, Pig Farming Goalie endured a defense that appeared to want to be anywhere but in their own end. Time and again defensive lapses allowed Lak Attack, the Colonel and Elvis to freewheel in on the beleaguered shotblocker. Even the plodding Living Legend was able to spring himself free for four goals.

One of road hockey's most dynamic, and successful, tandems, the Kid and Bird usually run circles around their opponents, racking up points. But on Sunday, the Kid largely played alone, as Bird was held off the scoresheet for the first time in his Sunday Morning career.
"Bird has been living off the morsels given to him by the Kid for his entire road hockey career," said Wink.

The Kid said he was slowed by the same knee injury that has been nagging him for the past two weeks. His side was further hobbled when one of their premier snipers, Guy Called Mike, left late in the game after pulling his groin.

This issue of was delayed when the publication's world headquarters were flooded out by a burst water pipe. And while crews work to restore the damage, critical computer equipment has been salvaged and the show must go on, albeit a little late and a little truncated.