Farming Goalie says the war of words between him and veteran shotstopper,
Lobsterboy, isn't much of a battle when one side doesn't show up.
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Goalies' rivalry still just hot air
by Jay Suburb
The war of words between veteran goalie Lobsterboy and
netminding neophyte, Pig Farming Goalie, will just be so much hot air,
as long as one side doesn't show up, say the roadsters.
The ongoing exchange of barbs and insults between the
two rivals escalated Sunday when the creaseminding crustacean issued
a challenge to his netminding nemesis; a one-game showdown for goaltending
superiority, and a six-pack.
But Lobsterboy's bravado rings hollow, says Pig Farming
Goalie. Especially since the two-time Conn Stick winner has only played
a handful of games this season.
"It not really rivalry," says the Cossack keeper
of his hard-shelled combatant, who made this latest challenge just before
Sunday's game, in a transoceanic phone call to the road hockey media.
"It just him lobbing lots of comments. Perhaps it time for him
to show up and wave his claw around."
"There can be no rivalry if Lobsterboy doesn't even
have the balls to show up," says notorious gameshow host gone bad,
Wink. "He has got to come back here and reprove himself."
Indeed, Lobsterboy has been more conspicuous by his absence
than by his presence this season.
Acclaimed by his fellow roadsters and by the road hockey
media as the game's best ballstopper since the retirement of goaltending
stalwart Wawrow two years ago, Lobsterboy's impact has waned this season
as he travels the world, searching for new recruits. And when he has
landed at the courts long enough to be able to actually suit up, he's
missed more games to nurse various alchohol-induced ailments.
"He's not much of a legend to me," says rookie
forward, Elvis. "I've only been out there with him a few times,
and even when he is in town, he always seems to be too hungover to play."
"He's never here anymore," says Wink. "I
don't care what kinda foreign town he's in, I don't care what kinda
beer he's drinkin', I don't care how sick he is from all the boozin'
he's done the night before."
With Lobsterboy out of the picture, the new netminders,
Ottoman and Pig Farming Goalie, have stepped up. Even usurped the vanished
veteran, say some of his fellow players.
"It's pretty one-sided now," says Beetle Boy.
"When Lobsterboy is here, I think he plays a good enough game.
But Pig Farming Goalie is such a great goalie and he's here all the
"I think it's really quite obvious who the better
goalie is," says Elvis. "Lobsterboy doesn't stand a chance
against Pig Farming Goalie."
"Lobsterboy isn't even in Pig Farming Goalie's league,"
says Wink. "He can't carry PFG's pads."
But don't write off Lobsterboy just yet, says fellow veteran,
Paul One, who joined the league at the same time as the hardshelled
"I think it's a little bit of rookie piss and vinegar.
The young guys have come out without any respect for the veterans. They
bump the old guys out of their positions, so it's up to the old guys
to come back and win their jobs. It's only fitting."
The "Six Pack Showdown" is tentatively scheduled for next
Sunday, when Lobsterboy is due to return to the courts for the first time
in a month.
Each of the creaseminding competitors will put up a six pack of their
favorite beverage, winner take all, including bragging rights.
"We all know Lobsterboy would rather have the six pack before the
game," said Paul One of the wager.
But all the roadsters agreed the confrontation will bring a much-needed
boost to the mid-season dog days, when cold temperatures and bad court
conditions temper the enthusiasm of many players.
"It'll be a joy to watch," said Paul One. "I think you'll
want either goalie on your team for that one; it'll be fun to play in
front of either one of them."
"It's a game I wanna play in," said Beetle Boy. "You can
never have too many goalies, and having a little competition out there
ensures they're all on top of their game, nobody can afford to take it
Going into the Showdown, Pig Farming Goalie definitely has the momentum
after he led his team of grinders and muckers to a 20-16 upset over a
side that included three of the game's most potent scorers, Lak Attack,
Guy Called Mike, and the Kid.
Time and again the creaseminding cultivator turned aside the dekes and
rapier shots of his talented foes, while his forwards patiently played
a team game that brought them back from an early 9-6 deficit with nine
"That was probably one of the great goaltending performances in road
hockey history," said Wink, "and one of the great upsets."
"He stood in there for us," said Paul One of his netminder.
"He let us get our legs. We knew we didn't have to worry about our
own end too much because he was taking care of business between the pipes."
"It just seemed to be one of those days when Pig Farming Goalie was
one step ahead of them the whole time," said Elvis.
That's because he didn't let his opponents intimidate him, said Pig Farming
"It was tough, three very powerful players out there; they come in
waves. But you think of absolutely nothing at all, you have to empty brain
and just stop ball."
Sunday's game couldn't start until the roadsters cleared the courts
of a layer of heavy, wet snow that had fallen overnight. But despite the
shovel brigade, patches of slippery slush endured and may have contributed
to injuries to Beetle Boy and the Living Legend that sidelined them part
way through the game.
Beetle Boy turned an already heavily-braced ankle when he lost his footing
in the defensive zone.
"It pissed me off because our team was losing and I wanted to get
out there and help us come back,"said the fauna forward, who sat
out the rest of the game.
The Legend's injury was less apparent. Hustling down the court, he suddenly
winced and removed himself from the court, complaining of a severely strained
back. He didn't return, denying his team the convenience of shifting two
"He was making an impact early on, and it was too bad to lose him,"
said Elvis of his terminated teammate. "It's always tough being down
a man, you don't have the legs out there."
"I think we kinda felt we had to win it for the Legend because we
know he's on his last legs," said Wink.
Guy Called Mike bounced back from media speculation that his career
was in its twilight by scoring seven goals in a losing cause Sunday.
And Bird continued his steady comeback from a woeful mid-season slump.
Parked doggedly at the edge of the crease, even when the play was at the
other end of the court, in his team's own end, he bounced shots in off
his legs and stick, including two key deflections late in the game.
"Bird lost his feathers for a bit, but good to see he shellac them
back on," said Pig Farming Goalie.